It's become hot recently. I suppose that means that I can't count on the rain to clean the bird poop off of my car anymore. Sigh.

I heard on the radio yesterday that a bullet fired by a police officer landed in the suspect's gun chamber. It's crazy stuff. But that has nothing to do with tolerance.

Here's a little tidbit about me: I am lactose intolerant. Or at least I am pretty sure that I am lactose intolerant. No, I take that back, the media says that I'm lactose intolerant. Personally, I take offense to that labeling. In this day and age, how can the media so callously tag between 30 and 50 million loyal Americans as "intolerant"? I can only speak for myself, but I know there must be others out there who suffer the wrath of lactose yet remain as tolerant as a fly licking its feet on a dung heap.

I am a very tolerant person. I tolerated Anakin Skywalker when he observed that Padme had grown...more beautiful (good one Jedi, the midi-chlorians really kicked in that time didn't they). I tolerated Kylie Minogue when she couldn't get me out of her head (or rather, I couldn't get that stupid song out of my head). I even tolerated the "evidence" that the world is round (I mean, come on, round?). Because of all this, I resent being called intolerant. I am not intolerant of lactose. I am not intolerant of milk, it just doesn't do my body good.

The inability to digest lactose comes from a low level of lactase in one's digestive system. When lactose travels through the digestive system it should be broken down by lactase and changed into glucose in the small intestines (so says the Mayo Clinic and so say we all). If it isn't completely digested there, the lactose will reaches the colon and create acidic chemicals which result in various symptoms such as clearing out small, enclosed areas with a single emission. This affliction isn't really a matter of not tolerating lactose, it is simply the inability to break down lactose into something that is still silent but not as deadly. Why can't this condition be called "lactase deficiency" or "lactose resistance" or "lactose owns me"? Besides, it isn't the lactose that people can't tolerate, it's the farting.

Now digest this you milk drinkers: According to Wikipedia, the most unquestionably accurate source of worldly medical knowledge on the planet, mammals naturally become unable to digest lactose after weaning. Based on that fact, it means that I, along with my fellow lactase-deficient beings, are more matured than you dairy guzzlers out there. The ability to continue digesting lactose was likely from a genetic mutation whose origin was probably somewhere in Europe. This little nugget indicates that those who are can drink vast amounts of milk and cheese without becoming a gas bag are actually mutants and the rest of us are mammals. Just like ninjas.

This last weekend was the most exciting weekend all year that didn't involve alcohol, a hangover, alcohol to cure the hangover, and another hangover resulting from the alcohol used to cure the first hangover. Oh wait, the weekend where I did my taxes was the most exciting weekend. OK, this one comes in second. Anyway...

The weekend starts on Friday so on Friday, I went to Carl's Jr. and had a Six-Dollar Burger. I haven't had one in a very long time and let me just say, if I ever need to eat six dollars, I'm going to get it from Carl's Jr. They say that the legendary super brothers, Mario and Luigi, ate mushrooms and flowers to grow big and shoot fireballs respectively. This is actually not true. Because of the low resolution of the NES system, the images are not clear enough on the TV. They actually eat a Six-Dollar Burger to grow bigger and a Western Bacon Six-Dollar Burger to shoot fireballs. Those burgers are that good.

Then I went back to work and worked for a very long time.

On Saturday I went to see the Peking Acrobats performing in San Jose. I see these guys perform every now and then, but I think the last time I saw them was at Marine World in high school. Maybe before high school. It was definitely before Marine World became Disney World with whales. They are pretty amazing. Some of those people can contort their bodies in ways that humans really aren't supposed to bend. Yet they do it and come out smiling. One of the acts I haven't seen before was the Chicks on Unicycles with Bowls on Their Heads act. The girls came out on unicycles and had metal bowls on their heads. They'd put a bowl on one foot, flip it in the air and catch it on their heads. And they'd do this with multiple bowls too. It was pretty amazing. And then everyone got a haircut because they had so many bowls.

On Sunday, I watched curling on TV. It was very exciting. However, watching dudes furiously sweeping ice is nowhere near as exciting as watching guys balance giant cups on their foreheads. In the evening, a bunch of us tried to go to Brother of Zach's (aka Patxi's) in Palo Alto but it was closed. Bah. We went to Pasta Pomodoro next door instead and ordered a large serving of Dave explaining the complexity of his shapely posterior. That scared us all into getting gelato. Allen had his famous green tea with creme brulee gelato which was supposedly pretty good. But not as good as the crazy (drunk) Stanford fools who drove up in their SUV and started dancing to bangra music in the middle of downtown Palo Alto. Its times like these when I wish I had some moves so I could partake in ethnic dances with drunk people. Some day. Some day.

Tonight, I'm hoping I can finish up with work so I can go home and watch 24 and Prison Break.

See? Exciting!

What many people don't realize is that the stench that Agent Smith was complaining about to Morpheus is actually children. Agent Smith couldn't stand children because children ruin lives. What's that? You think children are cute and lovable? Well obviously you don't live in a television.

Take Kim Bauer, the headache (oops, I mean daughter) of legendary badass Jack Bauer. (For the time being, "badass" is a noun.) Kim Bauer majored in Causing Problems with an emphasis in Trying To Be Smart But Failing. Back when David Palmer was running for president, Kim decided to go out and get kidnapped. Then escape. Then get kidnapped again. Then get help from someone who's working with the kidnappers. Then get kidnapped again. This string of kidnappings (all happening within one day) pissed Jack Bauer off so much that he sent a mountain lion after her in the next season. The show could have been called 0:24 because 24 minutes into the season, Kim could have told her friend, "No, I don't think we should go fool around tonight and get ourselves kidnapped and whacked or both." Problem solved. The terrorists lose.

Kim Bauer As A Man (aka Derek Huxley) continues Kim's fine tradition of getting into trouble in the guise of being helpful. He follows Jack when Jack goes to rescue Chloe. He followed Jack Bauer. Let me repeat that in case the stupidity hasn't settled in yet: Male Kim follows Jack Bauer. How stupid do you need to be to follow Jack Bauer? As stupid as Derek Huxley apparently. He says he was concerned for his mother. OK, that's noble, but she's with Jack Bauer. Where in the would could she possibly be safer? (Actually, Jack's fellow agents could think of many places where they'd be safer.) Derek then proceeds to become a hostage at the airport and is chosen to get his brains blown out by the terrorists. This prompts Jack to blow his cover so he can save Derek's stupid-as-Kim's (but-not-as-shapely as-Kim's) ass. And then everything goes crazy. This season could also have been called 0:24 because 24 minutes into the show, Derek could have decided not to follow Jack and Jack would have pwned the punks at the airport. It is what Jack does best.

Coming in the fall, 24 will have a spin-off called The Young and The Stupid. It will star Evelyn's daughter as the key troublemaker. In this season of 24, Evelyn's daughter has proven herself worthy of a young Kim Bauer. She first uses the time- tested approach of getting kidnapped. During her release, her mother gets shot (but is still alive), and then, in a moment where they need to stay on the D-frigging-L, she decides to call 911. What a bright little girl. The kidnappers happen to be monitoring emergency services so naturally the girl and her mother are once again united with the kidnappers. Brilliant. The show will air on Lifetime and will also delve into Evelyn's role as a member of the Secret Service's elite ninja unit. While filming, the production crew will use the title "0:24" because 24 minutes into the show, it will get canceled.

The brains behind the hit show "Prison Break" thought that airing right before 24 would help increase viewership. What they didn't count on was that airing before 24 puts them on the air while 24's Mass Stupidity Engine is warming up. LJ, the son of Lincoln Burrows, must have inhaled a bit too much of the stupidity fumes. He's framed for a double murder so what does he do? Well, he steals a gun (from the people protecting him), then he takes a walk around town (leaving the people who are protecting him), and tries to whack the guy who actually did the murders. Sounds like a good idea in a Kim Bauer book. Of course he gets to the guy's house and only manages to graze the guy's neck before getting caught. He'll probably be able to prove that he was framed but he'll still be sentenced to life in prison on 7 counts of blatant stupidity. The episode where the jury decides the verdict of LJ's trial will be called 0:24 because it will take the jury 24 seconds to find LJ stupid as charged.

So hey, TV characters. Listen to me. Dr. Bad Guy is not your enemy. Your own offspring will be the death of you.

I really don't know why I wrote all this.

Yesterday was a great day at work. I finally got to use Fourier transforms for some real, hardcore work stuff, not just for impressing the ladies. I've been waiting for almost four years to use a Fourier transform at work. Ahh, that was great. I'm going to use them again today, so today is a great day too.

Oh, and it's raining like crazy. That's even greater.

I was working on my taxes this weekend. If you give someone more than $10,000, you need to pay a gift tax. Talk about discouraging generosity, eh? So I got to figuring...if you pay a $1 million ransom for someone who was kidnapped, do you need to pay taxes on that? But after I thought about it, you're not really giving the ransomers a gift, you're buying back a person. So do they need to pay sales tax on the ransom money? What if you don't really like the kidnappee? Not hate, but just dislike enough so that the person isn't worth $1 million to you. Can you claim a loss on that? What if the person gets kidnapped again within 30 days of their release and you paid another ransom? Would that be considered a wash sale?

Now suppose, after paying the ransom and reuniting with the kidnapped fellow, you plan and execute a heist to steal the money back. When you get the money back, is that taxed? If you wait a year, does that count as long-term capital gains? Do you need to pay AMT on it if you don't steal it back within a year? If you had to buy ski masks, machine guns, a monkey, and a van to mount the caper, can you write those off as business expenses? Can you claim the monkey as a dependant?

In conclusion, the tax laws are very confusing. More confusing than having April Fools Day in the same weekend as the start of Daylight Wasting time. I'm going back to my Fourier transforms.